No Family is Perfect

During this time of year, we wish to be near our families and share the warmth of holidays with them. We may also have mixed emotions and can encounter difficulties in being with our loved ones. No family is perfect, and often we deal with family issues during this holiday season. In Hebrew we call family mishpecha, or in Yiddish, mishpocha. Judaism offers a number of helpful ideas for dealing with mishpecha during the holidays.

Judaism teaches us that no family structure is perfect. We tend to idealize the nuclear family, believing that the perfect family gathering occurs when grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins gather together for a meal and celebration. While this vision of family life is beautiful, it is rare.

Today, many families are simply not structured in this traditional way. We have blended families from multiple marriages. Boyfriends and girlfriends of every age from teenagers to seniors join at the holiday table. In the Bible it says that we are to care for the widow, the orphan and the stranger. By this same principal, our task is to welcome everyone to our holiday tables with kindness.

The Bible is filled with many examples of unique family structures. Jacob had four wives, 12 sons and 1 daughter, making for a very complex family life. Naomi from the book of Ruth had a very difficult family life as well. She lost her husband and two sons. Her daughter in law Ruth stays with Naomi and Ruth even converts to Judaism, saying: “Wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.”

The measure of a family is not how closely it matches the traditional structure, but rather the warmth, love and support shared by its members. It is probably no accident then that Kind David descended from the loving family of Ruth and Naomi.

Just as no family structure is perfect, individual family members are not perfect either. It is easy judge our relatives by high standards. Yet Judaism teaches us that benefit in trying to accept our family members despite their flaws.

Beginning with Cain killing his brother Abel, one family member after another in the Torah argues, does not get along and occasionally disowns one another. In many cases, we can learn from the families in the Torah exactly what not to do to promote family unity. A hint: almost sacrificing your child, as Abraham did with Isaac, probably does not engender good family dynamics. All of these stories of difficult family dynamics from the Torah are perhaps meant to teach us that grandparents, parents and siblings are imperfect.

One way to help us accept the imperfections of family members is to look at the core of the relationship which is love. Remembering the love shared between siblings or parents and children can go a long way towards overcoming family issues.

We can all come up with a laundry list of ways that our family members caused us harm. Perhaps we will use the holidays as an excuse to bring up old grievances, or punish family members for past mistakes. Yet if we can try to remember that our family members do love us, we might find ourselves relating to them with kindness and compassion. There are families out there where there is a lack of love, and if we are fortunate to have love in our family, this is reason to be grateful.

In Jewish tradition, one of the guiding values for family life is shalom bayit, which means peace in the home. As the holiday season continues, we benefit from striving for shalom bayit and creating an atmosphere of peace, acceptance and tolerance in our homes.

Judaism does not counsel us to forgive and forget, or to pretend that difficulties in relationships do not exist. However, if we recall the love at the center of our family relationships and seek to let go of some of the difficulties of the past, we can make theses holidays into a warm and joyous time, even if they are a bit exhausting.

The Story of Hanukkah

The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begins this year on Friday, December 11^th and continues for eight days. The word Hanukkah means dedication, and the holiday celebrates the rededication of the ancient Temple in Jerusalem.

Around 200 BCE (before the common era), Jews were living as an autonomous people in Israel under Greek rule. Twenty-five years later, Antiochus Epiphanes looted the Temple in Jerusalem and massacred Jews. He ordered a statue of Zeus erected in the Temple and sacrificed pigs on the altar, a great affront to Judaism that forbids the consumption of pork. Antiochus effectively outlawed the practice of Judaism.

A Jewish revolt broke out, led by Judah Macabee, whose name means Judah the Hammer. The Macabees defeated the Greeks and restored Jewish sovereignty. Judah then ordered the Temple cleansed and rededicated.

The primary message of Hanukkah is religious freedom. When the Greeks outlawed the practice of Judaism and desecrated the Temple, the Macabees fought back. As Jews, our history of persecution instills in us a strong sense of the importance of protecting our religious freedoms and the liberties of others as well. As Jews in America, we are very fortunate to live in a country that protects the freedom to practice one’s faith.

When the Macabees rededicated the ancient Temple, they went to relight the menorah, the ritual candelabra. There was only enough olive oil to last for one day. However a miracle occurred and that small jar of oil kept the lights burning for eight days.

Many of the customs and rituals of Hanukkah recall the miracle of the oil. We light a menorah (also called a Hanukkiah) for eight nights, adding one candle each evening. Jewish tradition teaches that the Menorah is to be lit near a window so that people walking by may see it and recall the miracle. On Hanukkah, we also eat latkes, small potato pancakes fried in oil, to recall the miraculous small jar of oil. My favorite recipe for latkes is one part onion to one part potato.

Hanukkiah or Menorah from wikipedia.org

The miracle of the oil is also a powerful symbol of hope. Just as the light lasted much longer than expected, so too have the Jewish people lived on for millennia despite difficulties and persecution. One Hanukkah song begins: “Don’t let the light go out, it’s lasted for so many years.”

The light of the menorah is also a symbol of God’s presence and enduring relationship with the people Israel. Like the light of the menorah, God has been with the Jewish people for over three millennia, helping and guiding us through good times and bad. While Jews have a relationship with God, we also believe that God cares for all people.

On Hanukkah, children play a game called dreidel, spinning a small top and wagering on which side the top will fall with gelt, chocolate coins. The four Hebrew letters on the dreidel spell out the phrase: “A great miracle happened there,” referring to the jar of oil that burned for eight days.

Dreidel from wikipedia.org

One final custom of Hanukkah is the giving of gifts to children, right after the menorah is lit. As Hanukkah falls in mid to late December each year (depending on the Jewish calendar), the holiday has become in many ways about giving and receiving gifts. As a child, I remember the excitement I felt the day of our family Hanukkah parties each year and all of the presents from my parents, aunts and uncles.

However, Hanukkah is not a time only for gifts. It is a powerful and ancient Jewish celebration that reminds us of the importance of religious freedom, and gives us hope for the future of the Jewish people.

Happy Hanukkah!

Rabbi Eric Eisenkramer