Second Chances

The High Holidays are the season for making amends. During this sacred time, we reflect on the strained relationships in our lives. We call to mind difficulties we face with family, friends or loved-ones. And on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we think about ways to reconnect.

Forgiveness is one pathway for making amends. On the High Holidays, we ask others to forgive us for our mistakes. And Judaism teaches us to offer forgiveness when asked with sincerity. The rabbis taught that if a person comes to you three times and genuinely requests forgiveness, you must grant it. For if you refuse after three tries, you are now the guilty one.

But forgiveness is hard. To forgive someone means that you wipe the slate clean. You no longer hold feelings of anger or resentment towards the other person. To forgive means that the relationship is starting over as if the wrong never happened. And it is not easy to let go of our hurt feelings and to forgive others.

Since forgiveness is so difficult, sometimes it is not possible. Perhaps the first step in reconciling a difficult relationship is to offer a second chance. You are willing to give the person another opportunity. You do not wish the relationship to end. A second chance is the first step in a process that may or may not ultimately lead to forgiveness.

Of course, there are times when giving someone another chance is near impossible. I would not expect a holocaust survivor to offer a second chance to a Nazi. And I understand if a victim of physical or emotional abuse never spoke with the abuser again. But in many relationships, we can find a way to offer a second chance to someone who harmed us.

When I was growing up, I remember hearing the expression, “forgive and forget.” Usually it came from a teacher. If someone punched you on the playground and they said they were sorry, you are supposed to forgive and forget. You accept their apology and pretend the incident never happened. But Judaism does not agree. Our religion teaches that you do not have to forget the past in order to give someone a second chance.

While in the desert, the Israelites commit a great wrong when they worship the Golden Calf. Moses is so angry with them that he shatters the tablets of the 10 commandments. Yet God responds to the Israelites with compassion. God makes a second set of tablets which God gives to Moses. This was the Israelites’ second chance.

The rabbis taught us something very interesting about this story. For the whole rest of the 40 years in the desert, the Israelites had to carry both sets of tablets, the whole ones and the broken ones.

Like the Israelites and God, our relationships also contain times of wholeness and brokenness, times of joy and times of struggles. And we too carry the broken tablets with us in the journey of our relationships. The memory of difficult times remains with us even when we give someone a second chance.

There was an article in the New York Times recently about second chances. A man named Mitch came to his psychologist asking for counseling. Mitch was going to divorce his wife of over 20 years, the mother of his three children. It turned out that Mitch’s wife had cheated on him at a college reunion. The psychologist asked Mitch: “Has your relationship been difficult the last few years?” Mitch replied: “The last few? How about the last 10? But that doesn’t give her the right to go out and do whatever she wants.”

Then the psychologist asked this question: “How much time would we spend talking about your wife’s cheating if you found out today that she had cancer?” Mitch didn’t respond. “Would you take care of her, despite what’s gone on?” “Of course I would,” Mitch replied. It was at this point that Mitch realized that he could give his wife a second chance.

But Mitch knew that the process of reconciliation did not mean that they should ignore the past. They had to work though their problems. Mitch told his wife that he needed to hear three things to reconsider the divorce. “I know,” she said, “that I apologize, that I know what I’ve put you though, and that it won’t happen again.” Mitch said: “Not even close. I want you to tell me why you think you felt the need to cheat. I want you to tell me how to bring more romance into our lives. And I want you to tell me what changes we need to make in our marriage for you to be able to honestly recommend it to our daughter when she’s ready.” Like the Israelites in the desert, Mitch and his wife will carry with them the broken tablets of the past. But their journey will continue on together.

On the surface, it seems that giving someone a second chance is about them. Will they not repeat the mistake? Will they understand what they did wrong? But I believe that giving someone another opportunity is also about us. In offering a second chance, Mitch grew as a person. Mitch discovered his own inner strength. For offering a second chance requires courage. And Mitch also found love and compassion within himself which allowed him to deal with the hurts of the past.

During this High Holiday season we also have the same opportunity that Mitch had, the opportunity to grow. For when we offer our loved ones a second chance we become better people. We cultivate within ourselves new sources of strength, courage, love, kindness and compassion. It may be difficult to offer someone a second chance. And when we do, it may not lead to forgiveness or reconciliation. But offering a second chance will always help us to grow in our own journey to become good, righteous and compassionate.

My best wishes to you for a happy new year.

The Fly Fishing Rabbi
Eric Eisenkramer